Not Quite As Planned

The whole idea behind the Tea Exchange, as conceived by its illustrious creators, was that we would travel far and wide, reporting on tea happenings around the world. "How exciting!" we thought. "We can visit tea houses and search out local teas and take pictures and write witty little anecdotes, thereby doing our part to bring the tea world just that much closer together!"

It was a great plan, and in a perfect world, it would have gone something like this:

Cheers from London!
Took Afternoon Tea in the shadow of Big Ben.
Had my first crumpet, was disappointed.






















Greetings from Darjeeling!
Mountain views are lovely, tea is plentiful.
Wasted an hour trying to figure out where that weird smell in the hotel was coming from.
(It was curry.)














1773. Boston, Mass.
Disappointing lack of tea.



Brilliant, right??

Well, except for the fact that we have no money. Tea houses charge a surprising amount for the privilege of sitting on a cushion and/or couch and slurping down a hot beverage that's mostly water, sometimes with the added luxury of a sugar-laden pastry the size of your thumbnail, probably bought in bulk at Costco.

So, alas, most of our tea consumption has been done at home--or (more shamefully) while on the go, drunk from a plastic travel cup that dribbles out the side.

I came to this sad realization while facing a sink of dirty dishes. As I set to scrubbing, a clear pattern began to emerge: Knife. Fork. Bowl. Mug. Plate. Spoon. Mug. Fork. Mug. Bowl. Mug. Fork. Mug. Mug. Mug.

"This can't be right," I said to myself. "Is Mo bringing dishes home from work?" While this supposition wasn't completely off the wall (roughly half of our mugs are from Starbucks), it was clear that something else was at work, that something far darker than Starbucks had invaded our home: Teamania.

There have been disturbing rumors of such a disease--take a look at this very legitimate article! Sufferers may hoard teabags, collect an unnecessary amount of mugs, demand tea at inappropriate times (i.e. during childbirth), and annoy friends and loved ones with facts about which obscure Chinese monasteries grow the best Oolong. In advanced stages, people may experience irrational anger and unexplained bouts of crying when they go too long without tea.

"That's startling!" you may be saying. "How can I find out if I and/or my loved ones suffer from this terrible disease?" Good question! Sadly, research has been lacking, but there are a few warning signs you may want to look for:

• You have more than 10 different types of tea on hand at any given time...and you are the only person in the house who drinks it.
  

• You are often late to work because you just couldn't decide between green or herbal.

• The local coffee shop knows you as "the girl/guy who only ever asks for hot water."

• The local coffee shop has refused to serve you for that reason.
  

• You own more mugs and teacups than silverware, yet are always running out.

• You carry a teabag with you at all times, "just in case."

• You have fallen asleep with a cup of tea perched somewhere on your body.

• You have fallen asleep with a cup of tea perched on your body...more than once.
  

• Your license plate reads, "HotStuf," "BlwOnIt," or "SgrPles," and you honestly meant no sexual innuendo.

• All you've gotten for every Christmas and birthday for the past 10 years is tea, and no one even bothers to ask for a list.

• When funds are low, you hang out outside Starbucks and bum people for their used teabags.

• When you're cranky, people ask you, "Have you had your tea today?" (Usually, you have not.)
  

• The fact that your work has a coffee machine but no tea makes you irrationally angry, to the point that you have contemplated replacing all of the creamer with Exlax.
  

• You have actually replaced all of the creamer with Exlax.

• When you don't have your morning tea, you find yourself ripping out your hair (or someone else's) and cussing at neighborhood children.

• The neighborhood children aren't allowed near your house anymore.

• There's often a nondescript white van parked across the street from your house, and you swear you've seen the neighbors bring pizzas out to it.

• Your boyfriend or girlfriend has uttered the words, "It's me or the tea."

• You picked the tea.
  

• When asked, "Tea or coffee?" you burst into hysterical, high-pitched laughter for a good three minutes. Then you realize they were serious. Then there's an awkward silence, in the course of which you stealthily sneak a few bags of Earl Grey into your purse.
  

If you agree with 3 or more of these statements, you should be very, very worried. Drop everything immediately and hunt down a psychiatrist--preferably one with a good selection of herbal tea in the waiting room. If not, take deep breaths and just try not to strangle anyone.

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...Until next time, tea enthusiasts, drink on!